Big and Buff---but Feminine!

By Jessica Hillam (Idaho State, 2007) / Summer 2007

Jessica Hillam (Idaho State, '07) has been a thrower (shot,discus and hammer) since her high school days in Idaho Falls. Here's her personal take on some of the problems girl throwers encounter, and how she has succcessfully dealt with them.

It is six o'clock on a warm Friday night. As I slip into my deep-pink, four-inch Manolo Blahnik high heels, in my mind I have completed the picture of the perfect woman. But when my husband and I arrive at the movie theater, one of his friends makes the comment, "You're looking especially buff, Jess." I wish I could answer, "You're looking a bit flabby around the hips yourself." But, why spoil the mood of the night? So I just smile.

As a girl and an athlete, you've probably heard smart remarks like this during your track experience. And I can assure you every girl thrower has heard plenty of them. It's a constant problem: when you're a big, female athlete, you're bound to experience a certain amount of static.

The main issue I have faced as a female athlete is that my athlete side wants to be taken seriously as a competitor in what have always been male-driven sports, but at the same time my feminine side wants to be acknowledged as attractive.

That hasn't always been easy. The track and field events I compete in -- shot put, hammer and discus -- are not the most 'feminine' events in our sport to begin with. In addition, I have to bulk up in the weight room in order to improve my performance out on the field. That can really be a problem for powerful, athletic women.

Throughout high school I was called a "stud", "stallion", and "beefy". It was difficult to understand why the guys in the weight room would use such terms, whether they mean it as a compliment, or to put me down. Finding a prom date, much less one taller or stronger than me, was a joke. Boys would chal-lenge me to arm wrestling matches before they would ever ask me out. And as I beat them, or at least gave them a challenge, I began to realize that they were losing interest in me as a girl. That sort of thing can generate a lot of self-doubt.

I was lucky enough to finally find a man once I was in college who was impressed, rather than intimidated, by my abilities. But along the way, I learned that the best way to deal with people who say unkind things that belittle and hurt you is to ignore them. They are insecure about themselves and want to make themselves feel better.

Sometimes the things they say are meant in a good way, but in any case you do not have to accept the words if you do not want to. When I asked people to not call me a stud, they stopped. And I did things to underline my femininity: I worked on other talents, like writing or singing, that made me feel good about myself.

It was also as a college thrower that I first encountered what some of my fellow throwers called she-men. These are those female athletes who never wear make-up and always have their hair in a limp ponytail, and whose dress-up shoes are leather Tevas. They seem to think that in order to make it in the athletic world they have to look like men. Wanting to be taken seri-ously as athletes has taken them to a whole new level -- but their lack of self-care has contributed to the perception that all female athletes are masculine, or even lesbians. I have never understood the need to turn myself into a man to be taken seriously.

I believe it is possible to be aggressive and determined on the track, but to be 100% feminine when I'm off the field. As the song in South Pacific says, "I enjoy being a girl."

Aside from appearance, another problem that female athletes face - perhaps more mentally than socially - is that they are overweight because they tend to be heavier, and usually bigger, than other girls in their age group. Their bigger muscle-mass is formed because as athletes they are constantly using their muscles, whether it be lifting, running or throwing.

Clothes can sometimes be a drag. All through high school and college, it has never been easy to find fashions that fit my body. I have to buy size 14 jeans in order to fit my thighs, which have not one ounce of fat on them, while my waist is a size 12. It takes an XXL t-shirt to fit my shoulders, although the rest of me could do fine with a size L. As a high school girl I often felt isolated from other girls in my peer group because they didn't face the same problems I had to deal with. Sometimes it seemed like I was the only one that was unable to feel attractive.

Since then, I have learned to be happy with the clothes that I can find and stop worrying about the stuff I cannot wear right now.

Female athletes, like all women, need to be proud of and embrace their bodies. What makes us different makes us more beautiful and useful. For instance, even though my thighs are each almost twenty-four inches around, I can squat 305 pounds ten times. This strength helped earn me the honor of being awarded the top female lifter across all athletics this year at my college. Focusing on what we can do, what positive things our healthy, strong bodies will do, will help combat those moments when we feel unattractive or as if we do not fit in.

Women like Mia Hamm, Venus and Serena Williams, and Suzy Powell have become my heroes. I love watching them continually blow everyone out of the water, and still look like the unique, beautiful women that they are. Thanks to Title IX, which has done more for women's sports than any other ruling made in the world, America's female athletes have the opportunity to train, play and become recognized across the United States and the world. Today, more than ever before, these athletes have been able to make household names for themselves because of their ability to succeed in sports.

Looking back on my growing-up days, I understand now that most of the guys in my weights class were complimenting me, and that they were extremely intimidated by a girl who could bench-press more than most of them could. And now when confronted with the same situations, I have learned to accept the compliments, however frustrating or embarrassing they may be, and continue to work toward my goals.

I encourage all young female athletes not to let the social or mental troubles that others may impose on you to deter you in your quest for improvement as an athlete -- a faster time, a longer throw, a higher jump. You are treating your body the way it deserves, and doing that for the rest of your life will pay off.

Jessica Hillam (nee Cornia) is a 2007 graduate of Idaho State University in Pocatello, Idaho, majoring in English. A 2003 graduate of Firth (Idaho) High School, she began her career as a thrower in sixth grade. Her best event is the shot put, with a PR of 49-3/4, although she scored in both the discus and hammer to help Idaho State win the 2007 Big Sky Conference women's team championship. Married to Devin Hillam since September 2006, she and her husband are expecting a baby in December.